Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Sweet (and Savory) Dreams Are Made of This...

It's so strange not to have a computer. I was Zen with it for a long time, but now I don't even have a work computer. Three ibooks going belly-up in three months is pretty frustrating. And the MacBook makes me sick, so we're selling it. They've redesigned the screen—some new technology—and it has a glossy screen. So Apple and I are parting company after twenty years. Sad but true. I've never had a PC, so this will be very strange. I'm looking for used stuff now. It's what I can afford!

I don't know if I've ever been so...up in the air in my entire life. Never been so indecisive. Never been so unfocused. Never been so idle. Never wanted to run away so much. And that free-floating anxiety is as bad as ever. Plus asthma attacks. Plus severe depression. Plus no sense of smell. It's very odd. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I had a dream last night that I went to this restaurant. I was in the back, in the kitchen, looking around. I think one of my friends worked there. (I've always loved working in restaurants and being behind the scenes.) I looked around nostalgically at the stainless steel shelves and the bags of supplies and other things in the kitchen and I suddenly broke down and fell to my knees sobbing. Someone came over and said, "What? What?" I sobbed, "This is all I ever wanted to do. My whole life." I just wept with the grief of dreams unfulfilled. Later in the dream, I was trying to catch a train to somewhere. But I missed it and I was running to catch up to it.

I don't know what it means. Even now it makes me cry thinking of it. Aren't dreams odd little gifts? In "real" life, I don't think I ever wanted to own a restaurant. I used to talk about having a bookstore restaurant, but I've been to a few of those: Books and food really don't mix. But it is interesting how restaurants figure into many, many of my books, and food figures into nearly every book.

Well, time to do...something.

May You Eat in Beauty!


Will Shetterly said...

Most of what you say falls into the category of "I hear that." But regarding a computer, take a look at the new Asus EEE PCs, which are a bit larger than their predecessors, and the MSI Wind, which has been getting great reviews. I like my little EEE PC (especially when I add a keyboard), and the Wind sounds darn near perfect for a carry-around computer. I'm happy with the Linux version--I don't think it's any harder to learn than Windoze.

Kim Antieau said...

Thanks, Will! I shall definitely check those out.

kerrdelune said...

Dearest Sister Kim, I'm sorry about your benighted Mac and hope the new machine dances into your life very very soon.

The thought of you NOT being here in cyberspace for days at a clip is enough to induce an anxiety attack. I start my days with a large mug of tea and a nice long visit at your place. The Old Wild Mother just has to cough up a new computer for you, and right now.

Hope you're feeling better soon too. September is an odd time of year methinks, paler sunlight, daylight hours waning, leaves, acorns and temperatures tumbling down. We're not in summer, and we're not in autumn - we're just standing on the threshold and waiting for Nature to get on with things.

Much love, Cate

Cynthia said...

Dear Sweet Kim, I always do an emotional divebomb around 9/11. I realized it this year when it CLICKED that i had the same kind of episode last year, and the year before, etc. I'm not afraid of terrorists, but i am afraid of my government.
About your dream; you may be mourning the loss of your place of creativity (kitchens are where, you especially, create). The missed train may represent your feeling of losing traction; a worry that you may not be able to get where you want to go.
You basically said that in your post. The missing computer, a kind of kitchen for you, has you worried. 9/11 just past and 11/4 is fast approaching. It's a wonder any of us are sane at this point. I get seasonal affected disorder in the winter if i'm not careful and i begin to dread it in the fall.
I don't see you without your 'puter for very long, friend. I have faith it is on it's way.
I read Coyote Cowgirl several years ago and then found your blog when i read one of your posts on Common Dreams. i followed your blog for some time but life happened and i got sidetracked. BN notified me of your new book but i didn't find it today at my local BN outlet. i'll have to order it. i'm looking forward to reading it and to reading your blog again. I read a post at Huffington today that cheered me up. Check out Roderick Spencer's "Everybody Just Calm Down" column.

You are loved,

Kim Antieau said...

Thank you both, Cate and Cynthia for your kind words. They were a balm for me!



Anonymous said...

Great work.

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