Saturday, September 20, 2008

End of the World?

It was a crazy week, wasn't it? I wasn't sure if the world was ending...or what. On Bill Maher last night, economist Paul Krugman said it was all bad. He said we weren't at the end of it: It is just beginning. Did you know in 1999, Congress repealed many of the legislative banking protections put into place after the financial collapse that led to the Great Depression? This was the Gramm-Leach-Bliley Act, which Prez Clinton signed. (He's got a lot to answer for—including NAFTA, but that's another conversation.) This deregulation helped cause this economic crisis.

And greed, greed, and more greed. I say regulate the suckers. Regulate all businesses. Keep them from raping and looting, polluting and pillaging. The bottom line is not what businesses should be interested in. No, no, no! They need to be interested in being part of the community and contributing in whatever way they can. There used to be a store in this town, before I moved here, that people talk about to this day. I can't remember the name of it, but it was the town mercantile. It must have closed just a few years before we got here. People talk about going in there and getting clothes, shoes, school supplies, home equipment. And the owner, he is revered to this day. "He hardly charged anything," people say. "If he knew you were having problems, he'd give the stuff away and tell you to pay when you could. He had everything. We never had to drive anywhere."

His children and grandchildren still live here. His son sells real estate. He's not very fond of me because he was one of the agents trying to sell the half million dollar (and up) houses up on the heights here. I once had a conversation with him and his wife and I asked why builders didn't build houses that people who lived here could afford. His wife, who is a wonderful woman, said, "I like new people coming to town." I shook my head. "I have nothing against new people coming to town," I said. "But the people who can afford to buy these houses won't actually live here. They'll commute to jobs in Portland. That's where their energy will be. They won't care about this place. They won't support it. But mostly, they'll live in houses that none of us who live here now can afford. Where will we all live?"

But that's another story, too. That might be part of the story in Beauty Falls, actually. If I ever start writing again. I did some art last night and this morning. I had this constant voice in my head telling me I was doing it all wrong, that I was stupid and untalented, that I didn't have the patience or skill, that I was up too late, that I couldn't do anything right any more.

It was excruciating. I never used to have that voice. I admire all of you who carry on and work despite that voice. It is new to me. I think I should ask one of my shamanic practitioner friends to do a depossession on me. It does feel like a hideous torturer has taken up residence in my psyche.

But this too will pass. As I work with other people and continue my own...walk, things improve. Then get worse. Then improve. My mother's birthday was on Thursday. One more milestone.

I want this election to be over, but I don't. If McCain wins, I don't know what will happen. I can't even go there.

I'm typing on a computer right now that is being held together by a C-clamp. It's a something Mario found on one of the forums to fix a logic board problem. I've had three G4 with logic board problems. I just bought another one yesterday, a used one, so I may be a fool. Right now I can't do anything with the used one because the former owner can't find the disks. Advice: Don't EVER buy a used computer without the reinstall disks. You can't get rid of all the stuff the owner filled in when she first started using the computer. Every time I thought I'd gotten rid of most of her stuff, it all came back. So I have another useless computer. (I'm hoping that will change next week when I get the disks from her or when I buy new ones.)

Computer problems are so boring. I apologize.

Mario and I are going to start taking computer breaks. From Saturday night until Monday morning, we aren't going to touch our computers.

And we're going to take a three day vacation from the computers and this place. We're going to the coast. We're going to walk along the shore (and freeze our butts off) and hang out with any of the Old Mermaids still surfing the Old Sea.

So is it the end of the world or not?

It may be the end of the world as we know it, which could be scary. But there are a lot of things wrong with the world as we know it. Maybe the new world we create will be better. Who knows?

This morning we awakened to the phone ringing and then a knock at our door. Serena brought us a zucchini from her garden. About ten minutes later, we heard another knock. We never get unexpected company at our door! It was a new friend of mine who came to give me a glass blown heart pendant. Just because it reminded her of me. It was a good way to start the morning. Yet all day I was so sad and lost, and then I had a conversation with someone who told me the work I was doing was making a difference in his life. That helped enormously. Eventually, I will be able to tell myself these things and hear them. Right now, I reach for lifelines. That's OK.

We all need those sometimes.

May You Love in Beauty!


Mist said...


My mom's birthday was on Thursday too. I lost her in December 2001 (when I was 21). Maybe lost isn't the right word, but I certainly feel like I'm still searching for her all the time, in myself and in my children that she never got to meet.

I've been meaning to share this story with you, but, well, I haven't. So I'm giving it to you today, hoping that it'll give you a little cheer:

I've told my 4-year-old daughter about the Old Mermaids. This year I decided to plant our first vegetable garden, so we spent the majority of every day in spring and early summer ripping up the grass in our backyard. During this excavation, we came across a stone with a shell imprint on it as well as an actual shell. It was a small, curved, conical shell like those you'd hear the ocean in but in miniature. My daughter and I begin talking about how that shell got into our yard (probably a snail shell), and she was incredibly intrigued by the thought that maybe the ocean had once covered Ohio.

The shells interior was filled with dirt, but my daughter put it to her ear and insisted that she could hear the ocean in it. After she'd played with it for awhile, she said that she could hear a voice in the shell. I asked her what it was saying. She leaned in close to me and whispered, "she sells seashells by the seashore." Lots of laughter ensued.

I hope you get a laugh out of it today too. Your work does matter, Kim, published or not. If you're interested, you can see pictures of our shells (and my daughter) here.

Kim Antieau said...

Mist--I'm so sorry about your mother! And thank you so much for sharing the experience with your daughter and her seashell. I'd really love to put that story on my Church of the Old Mermaids site. I'll look for your email and ask you.

Thank you, thank you!

Love, hugs, and kisses,


All work copyright © Kim Antieau 2008-.